After the first post, I had to think about what I wrote. I said something about figuring out what I wanted to do. That is such the "cosmic" question, because after college there is always (according to me and everyone else I know who has graduated) this post-traumatic stress like state where you become very disillusioned with life and whatnot. I thought I was immune to this, I thought I had it all figured out.
While my earlier post explained that I'm a very normal person, I tend to do things in a more unconventional way. I didn't go away to college right away. Though I planned to, and even got my room assignment and everything, I just didn't show up and registered for classes at community college instead. It turned out to be a good decision, I ended up finding a great part time job at a flower shop and met my future husband. He was the opposite of me, he was finishing college, while I had barely begun. He didn't hesitate to tell me that college "away" was the best time of his life and I was crazy for staying here. I knew he was right, but I wasn't ready to go for many reasons.
A full year later, I decided it was time to go, so I packed up and left. In the middle of the year. Let me tell you, even though I was glad to be there, I was completely out of the loop and left out. The dorms were full of people, but people who already had friends and things to do of their own. I had missed the first year and a half where everyone makes friends and bonds. I was an outsider looking in at all the fun that my new friend (and future fiance) was telling me about. The worst part was that I could see everything I was missing, instead of sitting at home at community college and just wondering about it. That semester was tough, but I made it through and then went back the following fall. This time, I had a new boyfriend too. Again, unconventional. This new boyfriend (my fiance now) was out of school with a "career." He actually had money, a nice car, and many experiences under his belt that I had yet to experience myself. We spent many nights with me outside my dorm room on the phone for hours and hours. We couldn't get enough of one another, and couldn't run out of things to talk about. It was great. Also, now I'd moved to a new dorm, and met new friends! It seemed as though it was all falling into place.
Now a junior in college, people always asked me, "What do you plan to do with an English degree, teach?" and I would promptly shrug and respond, "I don't know, something I'm sure, but not teaching." They would then look at me, their eyebrows would go up and their eyes would widen a bit, then they'd say, "Oh . . . ok then . . ." and their sentence would trail off and the subject would change suddenly. This NEVER bothered me. It also never bothered me when my mother would ask me about when I was changing my major. I never intended to change my major, English was what I wanted, for better or for worse. The problem now was that I was in my second semester of junior year, so I'd better think of a better answer, and quick!
That was when I came across this publishing company, and went on what they called "Job Shadow Day" I felt I had truly found my calling. This was it! This is what I wanted to do, be an editor. This is not the glamorous editing job where you get to work with some high profile author on his latest creation and give your thoughts and feelings, this was project management at a large reference publishing company where they made the kind of books and products you come across during college while writing those pesky research papers. Still, while sitting in the conference room at that company, I really felt like I belonged. Not only was it super cool, haha, all of the editors had degrees just like mine. They all were in the same boat as me at one point, they had no idea what they would end up doing.
For some reason, at that time that offered me a lot of comfort. Not only had I felt I found a place to fit in, I had also found an answer for that question everyone always ended up asking me. "I'm going to be an editor at THIS company." People began to look at me quite differently. It wasn't what I said, it was how I said it. I finally had something to say back, and I loved it. I had a goal, something to strive for. I was going to get an internship and they were going to hire me full time, right out of school. Simple as that, right? I never thought about not getting the internship, I never thought about not getting the job, I just loved waiting for my life to begin.
Fast forward to the last semester of senior year when it was time to apply, try to get an interview and hopefully get the internship. Well, I did. I was successful, which made me very happy, even though it was an unpaid internship and they probably would have taken anyone. Oh well, they still picked me and I got to start work at a major company. How cool.
Another unconventional thing happened when school was ending and it was time for graduation. I was moving back home, but not home home, because that place no longer existed. I was moving in with my boyfriend. He had a house, and it was something to really look forward to because I was skipping that other step in the life of a college graduate. Much of the reason college graduates get depressed after graduation is that they move back home and have to transition themselves back into living with their parents. That I'm sure is hard. My parents had divorced while I was gone, so my mom lived with my sister and I tried very hard not to go home to my dad's house. It was just too weird. The logical choice would be to move into my boyfriend's great house and live happily ever after, right? Right!
After starting the internship, I realized how much I really did like it. I felt like I was really contributing something to the world. I was helping put these products together, and responsible for making sure they got out to the public without any mistakes. Every small mistake I caught made me feel great, like I had put out a fire somewhere or difused a bomb. Everything I did felt so important! What a wonderful feeling.
Next, reality sets in. Summer was ending and I had to find a real job. They weren't going to hire any of the interns for real jobs. My plan was shot. Then they offer to keep us, but for an indefinite period of time. No benefits, and not great pay, but still getting to do something I loved kept me there. Around November, they didn't need me anymore. They tried to transfer me to a different editorial team, but I decided to return to my old job, because even though it paid even less, it was a definite thing and I could begin looking for a new job after the first of the year. Good decision, or so I thought, even though it put me into a deep funk. Here I was, 22 years old, college graduate, editor-wannabe, and returning to the same job I had when I was 18. That was depressing. I looked everywhere for a job, but with no luck. Especially no luck with a job as an editor, as the place I live isn't exactly a mecca for the publishing industry. I was finally experiencing this depression that I had heard so much about. I was completely disillusioned. How did I work so hard for four years in school to end up in the same place I started? Besides that, I had done everything differently than that little instruction manual you get when you graduate high school. So how did I end up feeling that depression anyway?
Then I saw a posting for different job with that same publishing company. I got hired almost immediately. This time it was a "real" job with better pay and wait for it . . . BENEFITS! I would actually get insurance, life insurance, vacation and holiday time, heck they'll even help pay for me to adopt children! The downside: it's in billing. Probably the most boring and predictable job ever, and has nothing to do with the great products I loved to create. Oh wait, I get to read the names of them off of the invoices I create. How fun. On the bright side, I make better money, and at this point we really need it to pay for this wedding. So I really don't mind. Some day, I may even be able to transfer back into editorial, and maybe I'll be able to do my dream job.
This past weekend I saw an old friend from the video store I worked at in high school. He made me think really hard. How bad would it be to go back and work there nights and weekends to make extra money? Probably pretty bad, considering I'll make next to nothing and will be giving up my nights and weekends to work a second job. Time is very valuable to me, especially at night and on the weekends. After how I felt going back to the flower shop, you would think that ending up where I was in high school would be even worse. But, I just set up an interview with the manager, and I fell surprisingly good. Money is important right now, and to go back to one of my grandmother's favorite sayings, "Idle hands do the devil's work," I guess I'll have to try it.
So, life really doesn't always work out as planned. There are always bends in the road, and changes that are often unexpected. The only way to keep going is to deal with and accept the changes. Right now I have come to the understanding that I'm not doing exactly what I imagined I'd be doing last year, and that is just fine. I am prepared to embrace these changes, and keep going down the road. I wonder if it's "the road less travelled" though that's story all together.
